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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23563921">nothing a little bit of faith and a lot of coffee can't fix</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr'>r4m3nlvr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nothing a little bit of faith and a lot of coffee can't fix [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SB19 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gamer!Josh, Idol!Ken, Little bit of angst, Little bit of sappy and sentimental, Lonely as frick, M/M, Reminiscing, Reunions, Talks of coffee, lots of talking, the one that got away</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:35:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23563921</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ken was under the assumption that the whole world had gone to shit. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing was left to look forward to, and there was nothing to look back at. So what was he doing on a roof deck, cup of coffee in hand, talking to Josh--five years after Josh left him?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jo-Ken, Joken, Josh Cullen Santos/Ken Suson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>nothing a little bit of faith and a lot of coffee can't fix [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794037</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>nothing a little bit of faith and a lot of coffee can't fix</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>it's been a while. kinda long. please be kind.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ken Suson downed the contents of the glass in one go. He let it burn the back of his throat. Let the burn fill the hollowness of his chest. Let the hollowness of his chest echo the beating of his heart. And then nothing.</p><p>What was he doing there again? He tried to remember the reason for his being there but he couldn't. But behind him, he could hear the muted music and gibberish chatter behind the glass window pane. <em>Right</em>. Party. Exactly the thing he was running away from.</p><p>For the life of him, he doesn't understand what the celebration was for. Party to celebrate their new album release, sure. But why the blinding lights and the deafening music? Why the fanfare? Why does everything have to be made a big deal?</p><p>What's with all the fake people with the fake smiles who only care about the latest gossip about Ken Suson? After all these years of being an idol, he just wished for one night where he could curl up on his bed away from people. People who don't even know him. People who ask all sorts of stupid questions. People who have ulterior motives.</p><p>With these thoughts running through his half-sober mind, he took the glass to his lips to drink but got nothing. He remembered he had just finished his umpteenth glass.</p><p>A light-hearted chuckle brought Ken back to the roof deck on the 19th floor of the hotel. It was so soft that it was almost inaudible. But suddenly, the city lights below him had a renewed sparkle. The muted sounds became more distinct. The air felt cool on his face and hair again. He was suddenly aware of how uncomfortable he was in his tight-fitting jeans and his button-down shirt. Ken looked left to see a masculine figure leaning on the railings as he was, his face illuminated by the light of his mobile phone. Black hair parted at the middle, falling smoothly just below his ears. The man was wearing a thick black jacket and dark blue denim pants. But the darkness of his aura was betrayed by his toothy grin that greeted Ken like a sucker punch.</p><p>Josh Cullen Santos was giving Ken a knowing smile as he put his phone away on his back pocket. "You need to slow down with the drinks. It's not good for you."</p><p>The surprise lasted for two short seconds before Ken could collect himself. And for the lack of a better thing to say, he looked at the glass he held in his hands. He held tit delicately, as if it were something precious. "I forgot you were here at the party."</p><p>"<em>Sure you did</em>," Josh said sarcastically. Ken could practically see Josh roll his eyes with the tone he used. After all these years, Ken liked to believe that he knew Josh. That he knew him best. "It's not like you weren't at the back of the group when Stell tackled me at the beginning of the party."</p><p>And how exactly does Ken respond to that? He didn't expect him there. After all, Josh had not showed up at any of the parties they invited him to. So when Stell found Josh sitting casually at one of the tables, he immediately proceeded to welcome Josh with open arms and warm smiles. Sejun and Justin followed suit, and it was as if nothing changed.</p><p>Only Ken was frozen on the spot. Five years. FIve years since Josh left their group. Ken could still remember their heated conversation that day. How he was shaking all over because of his frustration. How his eyes stung with the tears he forced to blink back. How his mouth tasted like fire when he begged Josh not to go. Yet Josh was resolute. He wanted out so he could pursue his gaming career. Or perhaps it to get away from all the fanfare Ken himself was suffocating from? Or was it Ken himself that Josh was trying to leave behind? Five years and Ken still couldn't dare to ask him the question.</p><p>"So tell me..." Josh began in a tone so different from the interviewers Ken had grown calloused to. Josh asked him with such genuine concern that Ken smiled in spite of himself. "Been hearing how wild you've lived your life lately. I hope you're not giving Sejun much of a headache. So... how <em>is</em> Ken Suson, sexiest main dancer?"</p><p><em>How is Ken Suson, sexiest main dancer</em>? What a difficult question to answer. So he didn't.</p><p>Instead, he asked, "Why don't you tell me how you've been doing instead?"</p><p>Josh chuckled. It felt like music in Ken's ears. "Well, I'm doing fine, I guess. I've been playing in tournaments here and there. I just got back from a recent international competition in Singapore earlier today."</p><p>"Sounds like you've been busy..."</p><p>"Well, yeah. I guess so?" Josh replied. "I don't actually feel it, because it's also very fun."</p><p>"Good for you," Ken said. If only he could say the same.</p><p>"You still haven't answered my question, though... How have you been, Ken?"</p><p>"You always asked me the most difficult questions," he said in reply. "And I never knew how to answer them."</p><p>"Well, maybe if you stopped drinking so much you would have half the presence of mind to answer me." Ken didn't even notice Josh close the distance between them. Without preamble, Josh took the empty glass from his hands. This caused him to look straight at his companion, surprised. Josh flashed him the sweetest smile and said, "Do you still take 99% sugar with your coffee?"</p><p>It was one day at their shared apartment when Josh first asked him this. He and Ken had been dating for a few months. And while the rest of the members went home on their rest days, Josh would keep Ken company for a few hours before himself going home. They had spent the whole morning just lazing around without doing anything. Neither was in the mood for eating out so they put together whatever food they could find with the supplies they have. Ken wanted to order coffee from the nearby coffee shop, but since he didn't want to go out Josh volunteered to make coffee for him.</p><p>Since then, Ken would ask for Josh to make him coffee. At home, after a hard day's work. Lounging around at the studio after a grueling training day. On the days of domestic bliss, when they would cuddle in bed in their mornings-after. Josh would laugh at how Ken has grown fond of his crappy coffee. Compared to the coffee Ken enjoys now, the instant coffee Josh made was definitely bad. And yet, looking back, Ken couldn't say he had tasted anything as wonderful as the cups Josh used to make for him.</p><p>Ken sat on one of the outdoor couches of the roof deck now. Josh had insisted that Ken sit down while he got him a cup of coffee to sober up a bit. Ken tried to resist and say that no, he was completely sober. But Josh grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to sit down. He was starting to feel lightheaded because of the alcohol, after all.</p><p>Ken might say that he knew Josh best, but it was true the other way around, too. Nobody knew Ken like Josh did.</p><p>"Here you go. 1% coffee and 99% sugar."</p><p>"Thanks, Josh," he said. "You don't have to keep me company if you've got better things to do."</p><p>"Wow. So it's true that Ken Suson chases his fans away. I'm hurt," he replied jokingly. "It's okay. I don't like crowded places, you know that."</p><p>"I do... I guess some things didn't change." A long pause. Ken debated whether or not to breach the subject, stopping himself twice by sipping from the coffee Josh made him. But he was probably truly drunk, and the coffee reminded him of so many things. Before he was aware of it, he said, "But it's different without you, Josh."</p><p>Ken felt Josh's mood shift slightly. He glanced to his right where Josh sat beside him, and saw his eyes gleam with a tinge of loneliness. "Yeah, it's different without you guys, too."</p><p>"So why did you leave?" <em>Why did you leave me?</em>  Yep. Just blame it on the alcohol.</p><p>Josh heaved a long sigh. "Life happened, I guess?" he replied. "I don't feel the same happiness I used to when performing. I just..."</p><p>"Did it start to suffocate you, too?" he asked knowingly.</p><p>Josh nodded. "It's not that I just woke up one day wanting to leave. I tried, I swear. To see if maybe it was just a phase. But I couldn't get used to it. Everybody wanted a piece of me. Everywhere I go, somebody would be watching. Dancing... performing... they didn't give me the joy it used to. I couldn't be who I was.</p><p>"I couldn't love whom I wanted to," he said, looking at Ken straight in the eyes. "I didn't want to leave you guys but I felt like if I stayed... I'd destroy you."</p><p>"<em>You could never destroy me</em>, Josh."</p><p>Ken could still remember how he pleaded for Josh to stay when he heard about his decision. Ken froze then, too, just looking at Josh in disbelief. Josh had asked--<em>begged</em>--for him to understand. That no, it didn't mean that he was leaving Ken. He was just leaving the group.</p><p>Ken had called him selfish. He had called him a coward. How could he fight with them that long and be the first one to drop out? How could he spout words like 'I love you' and betray him by letting him go? Josh would have embraced Ken then and there but he left without another word. They didn't talk until the day Josh was set to leave. He had packed his bags and all the members gathered at the living room of their dorm to bid Josh goodbye. Ken was silently watching at the corner, determined to stay out of everything. When Josh finally pulled him into a hug, Ken broke down sobbing and pleaded him again to stay. But Josh could only reply, 'Hang in there for me. Promise me.'</p><p>And Ken did. He mourned for Josh's departure as if mourning for a dead loved one. It took him months to convince himself that no, Josh wasn't coming back for him. He drowned out his sorrows with whatever distractions he could find: <em>their music, shallow relationships, alcohol</em>. Anything to distract him. He tried to feel so much until he couldn't feel anything anymore. He was hanging in there, as promised. Somehow. And perhaps in the course of hanging on, he had lost himself somewhere along the way.</p><p>Josh chuckled again. "I would have eventually destroyed myself, Ken. And, by extension, you. I loved performing--heck, I still do. But I'm not like you, Ken. I wasn't built for the stage. I was just built to dance for myself."</p><p>"Don't you miss it?"</p><p>"Of course, I do. You wouldn't believe how many times I thought about going back," Josh said. "But this is my life now, Ken. And I'm very content with what I already have. I do love the fans who still remember. And I'm grateful for them... but I guess I am happy just dancing on my own where I can feel most at ease."</p><p>"I... wish I was that certain."</p><p>"Do you still love performing?"</p><p>"What kind of question is that?" Ken asked, as if Josh just asked the dumbest question in the world. "Of course I do."</p><p>"Then don't forget to remember," said Josh, suddenly looking pensive. "I know the stuff you've been up to, Ken. I hear it on the news. You don't know... how many times Sejun and Justin and Stell have come to me for advise on how to handle you. And how many times I wished I was there to personally punch you in the face for being such a wild child, but... I know you. Or at least, I think I do. You're overwhelmed because of the things that are happening... but I know you still love doing what you're doing.</p><p>"I know you've been having a hard time lately because of all the bad rep. But I believe in you. I know you can do it. You're stronger than I am."</p><p>"Is that why... you never contacted me again? Because you thought... I could do it?" Ken asked, finally able to ask what he had been meaning to all along.</p><p>"Maybe?" Josh said. "Or maybe I was just scared. Maybe I am a coward, after all."</p><p>Silence again. Josh couldn't look Ken in the eyes, but Ken was looking at nowhere else but him. His thoughts were yet to catch up to him, but even so, new questions are going through his mind unfiltered.</p><p>"Josh... are you happy now?" he blurted out again.</p><p>"Good question," Josh said. And he looked up at the clear night sky with the brightest smile that lit up Ken's clouded thoughts.</p><p><em>I missed you</em>, he thought to himself. Josh looked at him, surprised. Maybe it wasn't just to himself, after all. And with what was perhaps the most sincere smile Ken has received all day, Josh smiled at him but gave no reply.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The party eventually ended. Ken's conversation with Josh ended when he finished his coffee, and Josh had to go home to get some rest.</p><p>In the past, Ken would have made a fuss about how they haven't talked more. But he was surprised himself that he felt peaceful in spite of the lack of response. They bid their farewells, Josh telling him to 'always hang in there' and to 'drink water'. Ken rolled his eyes because he didn't need to be reminded. Water is for the weak.</p><p>Ken found himself two days later at their studio, ready for training. They didn't have schedules that day and so he felt like going in early and doing some choreography while waiting for the others. He connected his phone to the speaker and blasted music at an ear-splitting volume while he let himself move to the beat of the music.</p><p>Thirty minutes? An hour? Who knows how long he had been dancing by himself? All he knew was he felt bizarrely rejuvenated. More free than he had in a long time. He continued to let his body move to the music until the sound of clapping interrupted him in his thoughts.</p><p>"Wow, what's gotten into you? You're early and actually choreographing?" It was Stell, dressed in his casual training clothes. He approached Ken after dialing down the speaker's volume to a more appropriate decibel. "Did Josh finally get through to you?"</p><p>"What do you mean?" Ken asked, wondering how Josh had anything to do with it.</p><p>"He was worried about you because..." Stell paused. "Well, let's just say that he watches the news a lot. And he asked if he could talk to you, so we invited him to the party."</p><p><em>What</em>?</p><p>Ken's mind fixated on that small detail: 'he asked if he could talk to you'.</p><p>
  <em>Josh purposely went there... for me?</em>
</p><p>Ken was so lost in his thoughts he couldn't even hear Stell rambling in the background.</p><p>"--so of course, I said yes. I was going to drop by his place later today so we can hang out again--"</p><p>"Stell!" Ken interrupted, grabbing Stell by the wrist.</p><p>"Y-Yes?"</p><p>"You love me, right?" he asked.</p><p>"Uhm..."</p><p>"I need a favor."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Josh's motto in life was: <em>Play hard, sleep well</em>. So it was definitely given that he would sleep like a log after playing twenty hours straight. He had been particularly stressed after talking with Ken a few nights back, and he needed an outlet. Five years, and that boy (<em>a man, now</em>) still has that effect on him. Just thinking about Ken's presence around him made his knees weak.</p><p>But Josh's other motto in life was this: <em>Always be alert</em>. So despite the lack of sleep, his mind went fully awake when he heard sounds coming from his kitchen. It sounded like scraping noises, plates and silverware being moved around in a way that was supposed to make it sound careful, but to no avail.</p><p>Josh immediately got up and stomped to his kitchen carrying his umbrella that was designed to look like a katana. Whoever this intruder was would not be getting out in one piece.</p><p>Stepping out of his room already gave him an unobstructed view of the kitchen. He was right that someone had intruded in his house. He was wrong about '<em>why</em>'. In fact, he wasn't exactly sure why this person was in his apartment.</p><p>A million questions were going through his mind that moment, not the least of which was the thought on whether or not he should change out of his boxers. After all, a member of the most popular idol group was rummaging through his kitchen in all his sexy glory--and here Josh was wearing a coffee-stained shirt and boxer shorts.</p><p>Ken saw Josh standing by the door, and he stopped halfway through whatever he was doing.</p><p>"Uhm, <em>hi...</em>" said Ken when the awkward silence grew long enough.</p><p>"<em>What the heck are you doing in my kitchen? How the hell did you get in here?!</em>"</p><p>"Right... I forgot you have a temper when you're woken up from sleep," he commented, which only served to annoy Josh more. "I asked Stell for a favor. You apparently invited him to come? And you gave him a spare key, too?"</p><p>"<em>That doesn't answer my first question?!</em>" Josh almost yelled, katana-umbrella still raised. One more witty comment and Ken will get it.</p><p>But Ken was unbothered. He only let out a hearty laugh. "Sir, please put the weapon down. Also, I've been looking for those boxers for years. I can't believe you have those."</p><p>Josh inwardly cringed. <em>Right</em>. He had kept many of Ken's clothes as souvenirs. What rotten luck to have worn them on the day when the owner was coming in for an unannounced visit.</p><p>Josh laid the umbrella aside and sheepishly approached Ken by the kitchen. He was apparently taking out a medium-sized coffee maker out of its box. Judging by the make and model, it was one of the more expensive coffee makers that Josh wasn't too keen on buying but would love to have if he wanted to splurge. Ken casually laid it on the corner of the counter, after having cleared a space for it.</p><p>"I'm so confused--<em>How</em>? <em>Why</em>?" came Josh's stuttered questions.</p><p>"A gift for your troubles," Ken simply said, as if it answered all of Josh's questions. He smiled. "I know that you live off of coffee on your twenty-hour game days. But instant coffee isn't that good anyway so... here. You can use it however."</p><p>Josh was supposed to ask more questions, but his mind short-circuited on how Ken remembers his twenty-hour game sessions. That... was <em>sweet</em>.</p><p>Ken was silent for a bit before he continued. "You can... even use this to make coffee for... your guests...?"</p><p>"Guests?" he asked absentmindedly.</p><p>"Your... suitors, or something. Boyfriend, if you already have one."</p><p>Josh studied Ken's face to see if the latter was doing this as a joke. "I... don't have one."</p><p>Ken smiled. He smiled the smile he always makes when he's trying to hold back his wide, toothy grins. "I see... okay... <em>cool</em>. Will you... make me coffee, then?"</p><p>Josh did a mental face palm.</p><p>"You came here, bought this expensive-ass coffee maker, intrude on my private space, to ask me to make you coffee?!"</p><p>"99% sugar, please."</p><p>Josh ran a hand through his face in annoyance. But the annoyance was slowly being replaced by a warm and fuzzy feeling like butterflies in his stomach. He grumbled, but shoved Ken out of the way anyway to start making coffee with his new coffee maker.</p><p>"You're a grown-ass man. You can make your own stinking coffee. Why would you want to drink my crappy stuff, anyway? You sneaky little--"</p><p>"<em>Josh</em>," Ken said. He said it so gently that Josh stopped in his tracks to look at Ken. "Is it okay if I come here now and then... for your crappy coffee?"</p><p>"<em>You sly little devil</em>." Josh said, eyes narrowed.</p><p>One of these days, he swore, Ken Suson will be the death of him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>everything will pass.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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